Noise

We live in a noisy world. Okay, example: I am sitting in what I would consider complete silence (aside from my typing..after all it is 2 in the morning), however, if I listen closely I can hear the sound of the air conditioning, my clicking fan, the hum of the washing machine, even the distant call of a train. Now picture me in the same spot during the day. Lawn mowers are buzzing outside, birds are chirping, the television is blaring, cars driving by, my mom is shouting to me from the other room, people in and out of the house - and that is all in a quiet suburban neighborhood. But I'm not even talking necessarily about the actual, physical noises in the world. I'm more talking about "noise" as in, our lives. I'm reading a book that says some people in 1965 actually made claims that free time was on the rise. They stated that American people would be able to work twenty-two hours a week and retire at age thirty-eight. Why? Technology. HAH! Instead, we create new technology for ourselves in order to cram more things into our day. What was it that these people had not considered? The hunger of the consumer. Lives grew louder as demands became greater. I used to find myself falling into that trap. As a high school student one semester I remember working two jobs, taking AP classes, participating in marching band, and practically running my youth group all at one time. I'd find myself sitting in some classes thinking about all the things I could be doing rather than listening to some boring teacher lecture. I remember first arriving in the UK and being absolutely put off that they would want to have tea every two hours. That particular experience overseas was especially beneficial to my daily life, and is something I've tried very hard to hold onto. I thought hard about it for awhile when I first began to think that the Brits' emphasis on taking breaks wasn't laziness after all. So I researched it a bit, and have had it all bouncing around in my head for awhile now. There are, in fact many instances in the Bible that would call us away from our busy American lives, if we would only take the moment to observe them. The one that stuck out to me, and was again mentioned in the book I am reading was in Matthew 5 where it simply says:

"Now when he saw the crowd He went up on the mountainside and sat down."

Before Jesus met the masses, he went up on the mountain just to sit. Before the disciples encountered the crowds they encountered Christ. There is a sacredness to silence, to rest. I often wonder how often we muffle the sound of our beloved Savior with the sounds of this busy world. I find value in tea time, because it is a time where I am forced to remove myself from whatever I am doing and rest. It is then that I can push away the roar of this world and encounter my Christ, who beckons me to follow Him to the quiet mountainside.

"My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely..."

Song of Solomon 2:14

Mansion of Glory

So, basically there is this house they are building in my neighborhood. It's a mansion..and the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. They aren't done building it yet and I wanted more than anything to go inside and explore it, and imagine how perfect and picturesque it will look upon completion. However, every freaking time I'd try to go in it, my plans would be foiled. The construction guys would ALWAYS out there, or I'd get scared there is a hobo living inside, or the people across the street stare at me. Well, Saturday night I was determined that I would see this house. So me and my friends waited until it was dark and then we cautiously wandered over there. As soon as I crossed the threshold, my phone fell in between the partially made brick wall and the concrete slab..only to ruin my plans once again. We worked for probly thirty minutes at getting it out of that stupid crevice. And after rubing my poor phone all over the bricks wall, and then the cement wall, we finally got it out by using the leverage of a shovel to pull the bricks away from the concrete far enough to wedge a hand down and get it....stupid house. By the time we got it out we were too frustrated to go look around.

Anyways, in some way I feel as though that is like my life. I try so hard to see what God has planned for my future..but like the house, God just doesn't want me to see it yet. Yesterday in church we sang a hymn called "In His Time", which is a prayer asking for God to give us patience to wait for him. It also states that God will make all things beautiful in His time.

Yesterday I got to finally walk into the house and explore it. I had invited my friend Jeriah over along with his girlfriend who just moved into town in the hopes that I could get to know her better and make her feel welcome in our town and especially at our church. I wanted to make sure that I showed them a good time, and I was nervous because the only thing I can ever think to do is watch a movie. The house was the perfect ice breaker, it seemed. We went inside and walked around imagining the inside, and where all the rooms would be, as well as checking the views and assessing the overall value of a mansion like this. Then we walked around the neighborhood looking at houses and the clubhouse. It was great.

I feel like waiting is so hard. In fact I hate waiting. It's nice to know, however, that despite the discomfort there is something great at the end. That gives me hope. So maybe, with the start of school, and the start, once again, of my worries will be more bearable knowing that God has a plan for me, even if I don't know it. I can't imagine going through life without Him.

Chameleon Church

Hey, I know it has been awhile.

I'm having trouble. Because I'm beginning to think that we don't belong in churches. It doesn't really seem to make sense how we are supposed to witness these days - by inviting people to church. What we are doing is making people come to us, and when we arrive, we expect them to join us in the programs we have designed for ourselves. First they sing songs they don't know, with lyrics they don't understand, then they shake hands with people that are too happy to see them, after which the pastor will ask them to open up a book they don't have, and turn to a part they don't know how to get to. It occurred to me the other day that by inviting people to church, I might actually be turning them off to it.

This is what I do believe: that we as Christians should be the body of Christ reaching out openly to all people, everywhere. A whole unit, made up of people, just people, not denominations or associations.

And that we are not.

We are a giant frog, sitting on a hill, looking smug. Happy to snatch at the flies around it and look down upon the swamp below him. What we should be is a lizard, full of motion and the ability to adapt to all surroundings.

Not to say I don't love the church building I attend..I do. But I am frustrated. Because I feel as though we have hidden our identities in the pews of our churches, and forgotten our purpose here on earth.

I just want to do life with people. And maybe then they will see that I have something worth living for.

Matthew 28:19

Psalms 18

I love you, God - you make me strong. God is bedrock under my feet, the castle in which I live, my rescuing knight. My God - the high crag where I run for dear life, hiding behind the boulders, safe in the granite hideout. I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty, and find myself safe and saved. The hangman's noose was tight at my throat; devil waters rushed over me. Hell's ropes cinched me tight; death traps barred every exit. A hostile world! I call to God, I cry to God to help me. From his palace he hears my call; my cry brings me right into his presence - a private audience! Earth wobbles and lurches; huge mountains shake like leaves, Quake like aspen leaves because of his rage. His nostrils flare, bellowing smoke; his mouth spits fire. Tongues of fire dart in and out; he lowers the sky. He steps down; under his feet an abyss opens up. He's riding a winged creature, swift on wind-wings. Now he's wrapped himself in a trench coat of black-cloud darkness. But his cloud-brightness bursts through, spraying hailstones and fireballs. Then God thundered out of heaven; the High God gave a great shout, spraying hailstones and fireballs. God shoots his arrows - pandemonium! He hurls his lightnings - a rout! The secret sources of ocean are exposed, the hidden depths of earth lie uncovered The moment you roar in protest, let loose your hurricane anger. But me he caught - reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved - surprised to be loved! God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes. The good people taste your goodness, The whole people taste your health, The true people taste your truth, The bad ones can't figure you out. You take the side of the down-and-out, But the stuck-up you take down a peg. Suddenly, God, you floodlight my life; I'm blazing with glory, God's glory! I smash the bands of marauders, I vault the highest fences. What a God! His road stretches straight and smooth. Every God-direction is road-tested. Everyone who runs toward him Makes it. Is there any god like God? Are we not at bedrock? Is not this the God who armed me, then aimed me in the right direction? Now I run like a deer; I'm king of the mountain. He shows me how to fight; I can bend a bronze bow! You protect me with salvation-armor; you hold me up with a firm hand, caress me with your gentle ways. You cleared the ground under me so my footing was firm. When I chased my enemies I caught them; I didn't let go till they were dead men. I nailed them; they were down for good; then I walked all over them. You armed me well for this fight, you smashed the upstarts. You made my enemies turn tail, and I wiped out the haters. They cried "uncle" but Uncle didn't come; They yelled for God and got no for an answer. I ground them to dust; they gusted in the wind. I threw them out, like garbage in the gutter. You rescued me from a squabbling people; you made me a leader of nations. People I'd never heard of served me; the moment they got wind of me they listened. They came on their bellies, crawling from their hideouts. Live, God! Blessings from my Rock, my free and freeing God, towering! This God set things right for me and shut up the people who talked back. He rescued me from enemy anger, he pulled me from the grip of upstarts, He saved me from the bullies. That's why I'm thanking you, God, all over the world. That's why I'm singing songs that rhyme your name. God's king takes the trophy; God's chosen is beloved. I mean David and all his children - always.

Just A Few Notes

I don't really have any huge topic that I have been thinking about lately, just a few random thoughts that I have been thinking about, so bear with me.

1. Beth always says that everything relates to poop. And while that seems like an eeewwwyy weird concept, I'm beginning to see the truth of it. For instance: Poop, is one of those things we all experience. Most people have experienced the different side effects of the pooping process, and so therefore we can relate to each other in that way. Still, you don't normally, unless your oldest sister is my oldest sister, have conversations about your poop mishaps because even if the person has been through the same thing, its unpleasant to talk about. Well sometimes I think that is the way it is with the stuff I wish I could talk to people about. Not that what I want to talk about with people is gross in the same way, it just stuff you don't talk to with people because it sucks to talk about such things. I guess this can be misconstrued, so let me explain a little further. Its more like, frustrations with decisions that you can't talk about because they are a part of most people's lives. Poop topics, if you will.

2. A person's heart. The thing that is the command center of the emotional part of the being, right? But really just a muscle mass in charge of pumping our blood. When I envision the heart, I envision this workaholic organ who never gets to stop. I've had my share of workaholic people, and these are not the ones I want to be in control of my love life. Aside from that, thinking, and feeling doesn't come from the heart, but another section of our brain, which means that our brain is a living contradiction. Or maybe its just balanced/tried to be balanced. And, perhaps this is the reason opposites attract. I mean, our brain seems to be working out.

3. The only this else I have to say would be considered a poop topic. Which I hate.

Oh, and I'll add a picture for you guys, because you have earned it, I think.

I love light sculptures....

I'm Finding Out True Love is Blind

I apologize to my three followers for not being better at blogging. If I'm honest, writing just doesn't come naturally. I've always been open with people in person, but lately even that has been declining. I have desperately tried to let my college professors know that I'm not shy, I just don't have a lot to say. Seriously, is there something wrong with not wanting to say much? In high school I was adored by all my teachers for my silence, this is not the case in college. I really started thinking about it when I met a girl who talked as a sort of nervous habit. She was constantly babbling about random stuff as if by doing so I was more likely to relate with her. Sometimes I feel like talking is what we have to do to be socially acceptable. People can't stand what they label as "awkward silence". They turn on t.v.'s when no one is home and look down at their cell phones if no one comes to talk to them at a party. I don't want it to be like that. I want words to be meaningful, so when someone opens their mouth to say something people want to listen, and learn. Words are spewed out like they don't have any meaning, and I guess it makes people forget how powerful they can be. The very fact that words are so overused it a testament to just how much impact they do have. People can get noticed for their creativity, profoundness, hilarity, whatever- and so anyone will regurgitate anything in hopes for some kind of social reward. Which brings me to what I have really been thinking about lately, to some small degree I wish people wouldn't have encouraged me. I don't literally wish this of course, but I believe it to be the source of one of my biggest struggles as of now, which is deciding what I should do with my life. I think all this time I have mistaken talent for passion. Anytime I was good at something I believed that I was what I should do as my career. However, nothing that I have been good at has been the thing I long for a career in. People always say "do what you love most", but what I thought I loved most, I really loved for the praise and attention it won me.

This is why I am glad God lead me to lead the girls Bible study on Sunday nights. Because through it I have realized what it is I love to do most, and that is teach people about God's desire for them. There is nothing more thrilling and fulfilling than when I am able to do that. So now I just have to figure out a way to turn that into a career. I am still partially stuck, but at least now I have realized my passion, and hopefully can continue to see past the distortions of attention that my humanness so strongly craves.

Any suggestions?

Lullaby

Lay down your head, oh weary song

And I’ll brush my hands over your little eye lashes,

Close your thoughts to the world around

and I’ll sing you a sweet lullaby

A song that soothes, oh busy brain

And calms the accusatory words of the masses

So the space that is left between

Resurrects the sun into the sky

Listen sweetly, oh broken heart

To the melody of this bright earth’s flowered grasses

For in it you’re a shining star

Nostalgic as the blinking firefly

Know now, oh with thy wistful soul

This song will be written in ever-loving ashes

A contract ever prevailing

And forever your sweet lullaby

Rocks on My Window

Lately I've just been feeling bogged down. I always feel so stupid talking about things that are bothering me because other people have serious issues to deal with, and I never feel like I do, really. I sometimes think that people who never have to deal with anything difficult in life just over-dramatize the little things, and maybe thats what I'm doing. I guess though, I still can't get away from it all. As much as I want to pretend everything is okay, I can't, and its affecting the way I feel about every other thing. Example number 1: almost crying when my friday night plans didn't work out.
I feel as though everything that goes wrong in life is escalated by the fact that I spent the previous four months of my life believing a dream. Now I'm back in real life, I suppose, but I still like to live in my pretend bubble.
Everything I know is getting flipped upside down and I, obviously, don't know how to deal with it.