I apologize to my three followers for not being better at blogging. If I'm honest, writing just doesn't come naturally. I've always been open with people in person, but lately even that has been declining. I have desperately tried to let my college professors know that I'm not shy, I just don't have a lot to say. Seriously, is there something wrong with not wanting to say much? In high school I was adored by all my teachers for my silence, this is not the case in college. I really started thinking about it when I met a girl who talked as a sort of nervous habit. She was constantly babbling about random stuff as if by doing so I was more likely to relate with her. Sometimes I feel like talking is what we have to do to be socially acceptable. People can't stand what they label as "awkward silence". They turn on t.v.'s when no one is home and look down at their cell phones if no one comes to talk to them at a party. I don't want it to be like that. I want words to be meaningful, so when someone opens their mouth to say something people want to listen, and learn. Words are spewed out like they don't have any meaning, and I guess it makes people forget how powerful they can be. The very fact that words are so overused it a testament to just how much impact they do have. People can get noticed for their creativity, profoundness, hilarity, whatever- and so anyone will regurgitate anything in hopes for some kind of social reward. Which brings me to what I have really been thinking about lately, to some small degree I wish people wouldn't have encouraged me. I don't literally wish this of course, but I believe it to be the source of one of my biggest struggles as of now, which is deciding what I should do with my life. I think all this time I have mistaken talent for passion. Anytime I was good at something I believed that I was what I should do as my career. However, nothing that I have been good at has been the thing I long for a career in. People always say "do what you love most", but what I thought I loved most, I really loved for the praise and attention it won me.
This is why I am glad God lead me to lead the girls Bible study on Sunday nights. Because through it I have realized what it is I love to do most, and that is teach people about God's desire for them. There is nothing more thrilling and fulfilling than when I am able to do that. So now I just have to figure out a way to turn that into a career. I am still partially stuck, but at least now I have realized my passion, and hopefully can continue to see past the distortions of attention that my humanness so strongly craves.
Any suggestions?
audra, you could be the next beth moore! and i know what you mean, people would always be like "hey! you like writing! do that!" but i have never had the slightest desire to write for a living. it's a great feeling just realizing what your true passion and purpose is. and i respect people that only speak when they actually have something to say.
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